Thursday, 28 June 2012

Things come in threes

Ever since I was a little girl many moons ago my mum used to tell me that things come in threes – usually bad things, I have to say.   I’m also accident prone.  Oh and I have brains but no common sense according to my mum.  I’ve grown up with that saying also.

So with that in mind here is a quick extract from last week.

I am working away at the moment in a city.  Blackpool only wishes it was a city!  Being a city, Newcastle has a metro service to help ferry people from and too different parts of the city.   

I found a nice hotel.  Seen as I believe that the warm function on hotel air conditioning is a fat out lie, this hotel was warmer than most.  Still, I went to breakfast because you never know….  I lovingly placed it on the back of the chair and marvelled at how I had bare arms and did not feel cold - a definite miracle.  I was that comfortable I left it on the back of the chair – never to be seen again!

I got on the metro service safe in the knowledge that my forward planning ensured I knew which stop I needed to get to the office.   Except it didn’t – it was taking me to the airport; in my excitement I forgot that different trains have different destinations – cue an additional 35 minutes to get to work.

I’m not the safest on my feet – I fall over thin air on a regular basis.  In fact, when I was 3 I fell over thin air while running with my little wooden dog on wheels with a spring for a tail and bit straight through my tongue.  The stitches weren’t much fun but the ice-cream for a week was. 

Anyhoo, the fact that I fell over not long after alighting the metro had nothing to do with the fact that I was trying to read a text but everything to do with having a lack of balance.  Pity it was raining and my light blue top was covered in dirty rain water and leaves.  Once it dried it brushed off so I was not too distressed though I did have to explain my somewhat bedraggled appearance and cut fingers on arriving at the office.

So there we are – things do come in threes it would seem.  I seemed to confuse my temporary team mates by deciding that as I had suffered 3 mishaps that morning the rest of the day would be absolutely fabulous; they seemed to expect me to be berating the world for my misfortunes.  They obviously do not know yet that my glass is always half full – and do you know what?  The rest of the day was indeed absolutely fabulous.

Talking of my glass half full….

I read a lot of blogs which probably explains why I cannot get round to reading the mountain of books I have at home.  All Fooked Up is a blog I happened to stumble onto one day and I have been hooked ever since. 

Lynn makes me laugh every day with her unique view of the world and her glass always seems overflowing.  She hosts a “Go Ahead….Amuse Me” post each week featuring other bloggers and I am honoured to be that blogger today.  So head on over to her page and read my post but most of all sit a while and read Lynn’s entries and you will be as hooked as I am. 

A new career?

Beautiful B is raising money for charity.  The charity that would have assisted her dad.  In a bid to help I have decided that if I could decorate cupcakes with frosting she could sell them.

I did well finding a shop that sold what I needed and merrily started making cakes.  It didn’t matter that most of the cakes were unlikely to be eaten – what with Beautiful B and me trying to be good and Hubby not liking cake. 

It was only after I had made 40 cupcakes that I realised that I could have practiced the frosting without the aid of cakes.  I won’t even tell you what the frosting looked like on the first batch but they were slightly better on the second.  Appearance isn’t everything after all.

It’s amazing how fast dogs become addicted to cake mix and frosting.  It has to be a drug – Lily is not clever enough to learn how to do more than sit let alone remember that flour, sugar, eggs and butter = cake but she knew.  She sat and cried for a whole hour at my feet for cake mix and frosting.

The frosting made all the dogs hyper and let’s face it Abi fluff does not need help in order to be hyper – instead of jumping into my arms she was attempting to jump on my head within an hour of finishing it off with the other dogs.

All I can say is that it is a good job that I was away the night that we discovered that one or either of those does not mix with a dog’s digestive system – Hubby was and I have been warned on pain of death never to give it them again.

So far we have sampled lemon cupcakes, raspberry cupcakes, chocolate orange cupcakes and lime and coconut cupcakes. 

R loved the chocolate cupcakes so much that the night he sampled them he didn’t even say hello to me – his first comment was “Those cupcakes are better than shop bought cupcakes!”  I doubt another batch would last long.    

Hubby loves the lime and coconut ones – yes I know; he does not like cake.  He wants them again minus the frosting which is a “dentist’s dream”.

Having made mountains worth of cupcakes mum and dad, Aunty B and Uncle J are getting edible presents each weekend and the neighbours are also benefiting. 

My icing skills are improving but I am finding it almost impossible not to lick the cake mix off my fingers after filling up the cupcake cases ready for the oven.  That isn’t going to do my diet any good at all.

I have developed a love of making cupcakes and so you never know when I win the lottery I may be breeding Bichon Frise puppies and making cupcakes.

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

And she scores a hat trick

Our beautiful B is training to be a nurse.  If you read the blog archive you will see I regularly spew how fantastic she is – here we go again.

Beautiful B has been training to be a health care assistant for 2 years.  She has decided she isn’t ready to do the full nurses training as they spend more time doing paperwork than caring for patients and before she is promoted to the world of paper mountains she wants to care for individuals.  I love that she wants to do that; at least until she decides she needs more money.

Being greedy, we did not have one graduation to go to but two.  Working away from home at the moment I sent Hubby and R to the first graduation to cheer her on and support her.  I was receiving regular text updates from Hubby.  We expected Beth to get her graduation certificate – I received a text to say she had received the student of the year award.  I wished I had been there to cheer her on; I could have started a Mexican wave in her honour.

The following day she had a graduation ceremony for cadets throughout the country.  So mum, dad, R and I piled in a car to Liverpool to cheer her on again.  My phone was fully charged ready to send updates to Hubby who was poorly in bed. 

After paying an extortionate amount for lunch and coffee (they had a captive customer base after all) and convincing mum that her roll was not stale merely a different type of bread we sat in a darkened auditorium eagerly waiting to cheer Beautiful B again.

I was disappointed that the cadets weren’t given pretend certificates.  Yes I know she had already received it in the post but it seemed a bit of let down to have each area’s cadets go up to the stage merely to receive a round of applause and then sit back down again.

Except, for each town one cadet received a merit award – that was our Beautiful B.  I trampled on everyone’s feet in my row to get to her and give her a huge hug.

After an hour they got to the cadet of the year awards – 3 to be given out – 1 for each area of the country.  They kept us guessing reading out why each cadet had been awarded before reading out their name.  We knew one was Beth before they got to the end of the first sentence. 

Dad was crying, mum was crying, I was trying to wolf whistle and cheered instead.  I was so happy that she looked totally ecstatic on the stage.  I again trampled over everyone’s feet to get to her and that is when she had a little cry.  After all, part of the reason she was given the award was due to her determination to continue in her studies in the hospital where both her dad and sister had died only 4 weeks before.  Given the choice I know she would choose to have them here and then there was the added knowledge that she cannot physically share her success with her dad.

So, Beautiful B scored a hat trick and won all 3 awards on offer. 

I always knew of her inner strength and determination.  I knew about her work ethic; after all Hubby and I instilled it in her.  I did not need to be told how wonderful she is but for her to receive recognition of it gives her confidence and a boost to continue to strive to give 100%, a firm belief in her abilities and for that I am eternally grateful.

My Beautiful B is amazing and now I know that others see it in her too.

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

What I learned this week

This week I have been alternating between sleeping in my own bed and a hotel bed while working away from home.  Lessons are aplenty….

1.      When teaching yourself how to do frosting on cupcakes it is an idea to remember whether you are left or right handed.

2.      It’s impossible to put cake mix into cupcake cases without licking the cake mix off your fingers.

3.      Dogs become quickly addicted to frosting.

4.      Dogs will run around your house like complete lunatics about an hour after eating frosting.

5.      Dogs will beg for a whole hour for cake mix and frosting the next time you make cupcakes.

6.      If you pack a cardigan and take it to the restaurant and lovingly place it over the back of your chair remember to take it with you when you leave because you will never see it again.

7.      When in a city that has a metro train services remember that every train does not go to the destination you want and you might end up finding your way to the airport instead of the office.

8.      When travelling pack a pair of “sensible” shoes; preferably one without a heel but if you must insist on non-sensible shoes wear heels that are solid rather than made from the somewhat spongy cork or rubber because you are more likely to fall in those.

9.      Try not to fall when it is raining on a road that has dirty puddle and wet leaves because they tend to be highly visible on the light blue top you are wearing.

10. In case you fall make sure you travel with a different top or jacket in case 9 happens.

Now, what did you learn?
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1. Any time this week, publish your What I Learned This Week post on your blog.
2. Within that post, please mention the What I Learned This Week carnival and link back to this post and to Julie's blog: From Inmates to Playdates. If you don’t know how to link, have a look at the rules in the above link titled "here".
3. Then link up with Mr. Linky down below.
4. Visit the other participants and see what they learned this week. Then leave a comment because comments are fun!

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Tuesday, 19 June 2012

What I learned this week

It’s been a changeable week, a bit like the weather….

1.      When you have a somewhat stressful office job during the week, getting a second job can be a chance to enjoy serving customers and making their day better as well as a bit like playing shop instead of increasing your stress levels.

2.      Being told that people like working with you because you are always happy makes you smile even more.

3.      Customer’s who don’t want to wait for their chicken to be cooked fresh when there is a rush on because of the football complain and you might so desperately want to tell the woman you have apologised twice to for the wait, and who works at the famous burger chain and whose burger chain would never run out of said burgers that if they are so wonderful maybe she should go and buy her chicken burgers from there.

4.      You might also want to remind her that that chains burgers are made in batches and therefore when sold may have been on display for quite a time whilst yours are made to order.

5.      It’s a good job that you don’t take your purse to work because it means that even if you are tempted to try one of the chicken burgers you can’t and the desire will have disappeared the next time you go on shift.
6.      It’s refreshing to feel energised enough to get up at stupid o’clock on a Sunday to make frosted cupcakes so that you can give your dad a personalised present on Father’s Day but it might be an idea to get dressed first because your Beautiful B may take a photo of you feeding frosting to the dogs in your dressing gown and un-brushed hair!

7.      It’s a bad idea to feed the dogs frosting, even if only a little: first they go a bit loopy with the sugar rush then their digestive systems decide it’s not so nice.

8.      You really can choose your friends but not your family members and as much as you love them sometimes you have to remember that you would not tolerate that behaviour or treatment from non-family members.

9.      When you are treated awfully by someone who should be the last person you would expect it from, your friends, Hubby, Beautiful B and parents will rally around you to remind you that you have nothing to feel guilty about and you will be reminded how much you are loved.

Now, what did you learn?
For complete carnival rules, click here.
1. Any time this week, publish your What I Learned This Week post on your blog.
2. Within that post, please mention the What I Learned This Week carnival and link back to this post and to Julie's blog: From Inmates to Playdates. If you don’t know how to link, have a look at the rules in the above link titled "here".
3. Then link up with Mr. Linky down below.
4. Visit the other participants and see what they learned this week. Then leave a comment because comments are fun!

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Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Semi-organised and semi-confused

…..can be a complete pain in the behind;

I am usually unable to switch off and relax very well, in fact; I drive Hubby mad because I am incapable of sitting anywhere for more than half an hour unless I am able to physically and mentally do something – even if it is 2 different things.  Though I must turn off for what is a short time because I do get some sleep. 

After waking 4 times on Monday night after a particularly angry stressful day at work I gave it up as a bad job (ribenaism) and got up at 3.30am. 

Before I returned upstairs at 5.30 am, doing the house-wifey bit by taking Hubby a cup of Cappuccino (no less…oooeerr get her!) in bed I had done the following:
§         made a batch of spaghetti bolognaise;
§         made a batch of chilli-con-carne;
§         all the washing up and dried it;
§         made the packed lunches;
§         weighed the girls dog food out (and yes it is a necessity*);
§         cleaned all the counters;
§         packed all my paperwork for the day; and
§         vick’d** the furniture (another ribenaism)

*  I am do not have OCD, well other than a very mild version but I have to weigh out the 3 girls dog food because otherwise the other peeps in the house seem to think that they are really golden retrievers and not tiny Bichons and before long I would be overrun (or rather over-weebled) with fat dogs.
** Baba fluff chews things, only when we are out because she is not totally stupid – after baba fluff damage on the rocking chair, carpets, doors, table corners (yes seriously, she led on the settee and chewed the corner of a table off!) and now corners of a new leather suite and trying bitter apple spray (liked that), chilli flakes (ignored that it should be distasteful and licked that off) we are now onto Vicks Vapour Rub; you know the foul smelling and even more foul tasting stuff you put on your chest to keep your nasal passages open……she keeps attempting it but so far she hasn’t overcome her aversion!
After thanking me for the coffee cappuccino the resulting conversation was, even I have to admit a bit of an eye opener:

Me:      “Something strange happened last night.”
Hubby: “mmmm”
(sport was on the TV, no more explanation is required)
Me:      “I don’t remember going to sleep.  I don’t remember more than 5 minutes into Grimm, let alone going to sleep.”
(it normally requires an hour of TV at least and a good few pages of a novel to knock me out, hence the not unreasonable and fantastic excuse to go and snuggle up under the covers at 9pm)
Hubby: “You said you were tired.”
(one eye on his coffee, one eye still on the TV – I should just be grateful he was semi-listening!)
Me:      “Yes, but I don’t remember turning the TV off or even removing my glasses and my phone wasn’t on the charger.”
(The light goes on for Hubby – either that or he figures I am not going to shut up and his half listening is going to be discovered any minute)
Hubby: “Well you didn’t have your glasses on but you hadn’t put your phone down.”
Me:      “Huh?”
(I’m not the most eloquent of people….)
Hubby: “In fact, you kind of looked like all you needed was a white chalk outline minus the blood which I can be eternally grateful for based on your normal literature choice. Your phone even looked like it had just fallen out of your hand.”
Me:       “Are you saying that I fell asleep while texting someone?”
Hubby: “That or smooching around your nosybooking site.”
Me:      “That is impossible!  How can I either be watching TV and/or texting/nosybooking without my glasses on; I am almost registered blind without the trusty assistance of glasses.”
Hubby:  “I gave up trying to work you out years ago.”
Me:      “I don’t believe you.”
Hubby: “Would I lie to you?”
Me:      “No, but we don’t have ghosts so if you didn’t remove my glasses then who did?  And why, pray tell, would my glasses be removed but my phone left to look as though I had spontaneously regained my sight?”
Hubby: “Maybe you took your glasses off but fell asleep between that and putting your phone down.”
Me:      “I would remember that surely!”
Hubby: “Would you?  Would you really?”
Me:      “…….”

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

What I Learned This Week

I am going to ignore all the work stuff because it is bleugh and is still driving me insane as of this very minute….after a very restless night involving waking up 4 times, 4 dog feet with very sharp newly cut claws in my back and a snoring Hubby I gave up at 3.30am – not the best way to start the day.

Anyhoo, this week Beautiful B turned 18. I know, go on say it; I don’t look a day over 38.  Turns out there is a lot to learn when your baby turns 18…..

1.            Amazingly enough, that day (and for weeks before probably) you will be in a state of shock that 18 WHOLE years have gone by so quickly!

2.            Despite what you may have told yourself when you were a mere youngster with a babe in your arms, you will not feel old and tired when they get to 18 – trust me!  In fact you may only feel about 20 and that is a teeny bit freaky.

3.            Hope against all things possible that your child’s birthday does not fall the day after or on a bank holiday because it is a total pain in the behind to organise helium filled balloons and collection of a birthday cake that day – and yes, we had a joint bank holiday and I burnt more calories running around that day than I care to think about.

4.            When you order the birthday cake instead of spending time telling the baker how fantastic her figurines are, while at the same time thinking you may need her services for your own figurines in 4 months time, remember to write down what time you arrange to pick the birthday cake up on said bank holiday.

5.            It is not fun stressing out at midday that the bakers is shut when you go to pick up the birthday cake only to discover, after rushign to another shop to buy a rubbish substitute cake and hastily arranging for a family friend to decorate it in some way, that you had, in fact, arranged to pick up the birthday cake at 4pm.

6.            When you cover Beautiful B’s eyes to walk her down the stairs hardly able to contain your own state of excitement to present her with the novelty cake you designed to the nth degree you might realise that she knows you well enough to have ignored all your denials that you were not buying her a birthday cake.

7.            If you get a cake that is “too beautiful” she will refuse to take it out with her to share with her friends. Just like she refused to believe you when you told her she would regret going out on the eve of her birthday so she could drink at midnight rather than enjoy her birthday and then party.

8.            You won’t be as scared as you once thought you might be to let your not so little one out on the town for the first time….though that might have something to do with knowing that her boyfriend would look after her all night.

9.            You are able to go back to sleep after waking up at 2.30 a.m. by repeatedly telling yourself that you aren’t expecting them in until 4.30 a.m. anyway.  You may even find yourself smiling a little when they wake you on returning home and you notice dawn breaking.

10.         You may take some delight in watching her open her cards and presents and cards less than 5 hours later when she was more than somewhat under the weather.  Furthermore, there is more delight in having to open the windows in the car for her after noticing she is going more than a little green.   

11.         When your baby goes away for the first time on a holiday without you and messages you 30 minutes later that she misses you; you may respond by telling her to forget about you, enjoy herself and not to miss you at all – except for the message you expect to receive to let you know she arrived safely.  She will then forget to message you until she has been there nearly 3 hours!

12.         And finally, you may wonder what on earth your mother thought she was doing letting you get engaged and live with your fiancĂ© at the same age as your child is now because there is no way on this green earth you would let her move out from under your roof for at least another 5 years……

Now, what did YOU learn this week?
For complete carnival rules, click here.
1. Any time this week, publish your What I Learned This Week post on your blog.
2. Within that post, please mention the What I Learned This Week carnival and link back to this post and the What I Learned This Week post at

If you don’t know how to link, feel free to ask me.
3. Then link up with Mr. Linky on the From Inmates to Playdates blog.
4. Visit the other participants and see what they learned this week. Then leave a comment because comments are fun!

Thursday, 7 June 2012

She's only 2 years younger than me...!!!

On the 5th of June 2012, our Beautiful B turned 18!  I've paused I don't know how many times to think about that because it doesn't feel like 18 years ago I was holding her for the first time while the nurses flapped about because she hadn't cried.  She was too busy looking at me - probably taking in what I looked like on the outside.

I don't feel old enough to have an 18 year old - Most of the time I only feel about 20 years old (but with a bit more experience....)  I can certainly act like a 20 year old; without the attitude.

Everyone comments on how mature our Beautiful B is and I have to agree and yes I am biased and proud of it.  I look at other kids her age and can't help but compare her behaviour to theirs.  She has some very good friends and those with babies have had no choice but to mature but she also has friends who I look at and inwardly smile; for no other reason than being able to recall how at 18 most feel the world revolves around them.

Beautiful B is different....most of the time. Yes I still have to remind her to do her chores on some occasions and I gave up the battle of getting her to wash the dishes after we had sat down to dinner - washing dishes at 11pm before bed is useless to me if I have guests coming round earlier and lets face it they never turn up at 11pm to see a tidy kitchen now do they?  I can also ask her to do any additional jobs and she will do them. 

On the flip side, Beautiful B is so compassionate and empathetic.  She is one of the most grounded teenagers I know and she thinks of others before herself most of the time.  Why?  Well, if I could live my life over again I wouldn't change a thing (other than marrying one of Jehovah's Witnesses who was the worst example for the faith), because I wouldn't have Beautiful B and we wouldn't be who we are.  But, and its a big but, to get to this stage we have suffered and Beautiful B has suffered more than anyone.

From having a ritual every time she went to bed that went on for 30 minutes at 7 years old while I convinced her that while she slept no-one would die, an earthquake wouldn't happen, there wouldn't be any lightning striking the house....and the list went on, to the almost continual upset and turmoil she suffered for most of her teenage life, to a brief stint in hospital because our Dcotor would not listen to me when I said she needed help.  

At least the stint in hospital got her the help she needed and we finally got to the bottom of the ritual that started when she was 7 and that help provided Beautiful B with the building blocks of a coping mechanism which in turn has turned her into the person she is today.  It was an awful thing for her to go through and I credit the help she was given by some wonderful people for who she is today, without the usual teenage tantrums, attitude and other issues.

So yes, I can safely compare Beautiful B with her peers and she how more mature she is for her age and yet I can't help be somewhat sad because this year she has suffered more than anyone her age should have to - from finding out that her dad had liver disease, to being told the liver disease was too advanced and a liver transplant was the only hope and not fully understanding the ramifications of that, to realising just how advanced it was, to finding out he was terminal, to lose a sister without warning and then to lose her dad 4 days later.  I am not sure that as an adult I would have coped with all of that.

Yet, she did and she still does.  She was strong while we arranged his funeral and while I helped her to notify the required authorities and she remains strong most of the time because what other choice does she have....  

She went back to work in the hospital where she said goodbye to her sister and where she kept a virgil at her dad's bedside with me for 10 hours and she listens to the beeps of the machines day in, day out and they remind her of those awful last hours with her dad.

Her birthday was a mixture of happiness but also sadness because she knew she couldn't go and see her dad as she has done every birthday, every Christmas Day and every Fathers Day.  

Present opening with a mixture of joy and tears as they had been bougtht with her dad and Mia in mind; pendants with their names engraved and precious stones in the colours of their roses on the day we said our final goodbyes and in Mia's favourite colour; a bracelet made by a designer called Thomas along with charms in Mia's favourite colour; and a framed drawing of Beautiful B, Tom and Mia all together because she had been distraught that she did not have a photo of the 3 of them together. 

So her 18th birthday presents were bought with those she lost in mind, not as an awful reminder, but as evidence that we all think of her and her loss each and every day and that she needs physical reminders of them right now and they will be presents that she will treasure always.

On her birthday I took her to talk to her dad, which she does often.  It was raining so I drove her to the grave rather than just to the car park - I wish I hadn't.  Seeing her sat there with her head in her hands looking so very lonely will be another memory that will haunt me forever but it isn't even close to what she goes through day in and day out and as a mother I should have to feel her pain surely?  

Yet, she still laughs as much, if not more than she shows the sadness and even on days where she cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel she knows it is there.  She continues to help others despite the painful reminder every day at the hospital.

My beautiful B is adamant that something good will come from her dad's death and so she is now raising money for a charity that supports those with Liver Disease; in memory of her dad and to help others like him.  The British Liver Trust is a small charity and not as well resourced financially as the bigger charities so for Beth to help them is a fitting tribute to her dad but also to her compassion for others.

If I achieve nothing else in my life, I don't care.  If I do nothing else meaningful, I don't care.  When Beautiful B was born, I was scared.  Prior to her birth I struggled to play with babies; they were alien to me, yet when she was born I knew instantly what to do and how to talk to her in that baby voice we all use but I was still scared.... 

Scared that I didn't know enough, scared that I would hurt her by giving her to wrong milk or food, despairing of how she threw back half of her milk at every feed (now I realise I should have just tried a different formula....), scared that she would suffer because I had to leave her dad, scared that her relationship with her dad would suffer and so I went to the Nth degree to ensure that it didn't but in ensuring that their relationship was maintained she suffered watching and being involved in everything that went on in her dad's life.  

I questioned my actions over and over again, worried that she would be scarred for life at something I had said or done, ran over in my mind millions of time the answers I would give to the usual questions children ask as they grow up.  

I despaired when I couldn't find a way to reach her, when I begged for help from our doctor only to be told she was "being naughty" and that I "had not disciplined her enough"; I was and still am angry that she had to end up in hospital for anyone to listen to me but relieved that it meant counsellors stepped in to help and to assure me that Hubby and I had done everything we could for her and that the Doctor was wrong and yes, that they could help her.   

I rejoiced when I saw the change in Beautiful B and the level of peace she was finally achieving with the counsellors help; I rejoiced in how we could finally communicate and how when I hugged her and told her I loved her she accepted it as truth; that she finally could believe that Hubby and I were not going to leave her like she had subconsciously worried about because so many had done previously; that she could feel safe and secure and give us the love she wanted and accept the love we wanted to give her - that rejecting all of that in case we left in some way was just hurting her more.  

I rejoice every day that I have a daughter to be proud of; a daughter that I always wanted and that I strived to help raise as best as I could.  Yes, we have had to go about things in a different way and the road has been long and hard at time and yes, Beautiful B is suffering so much at the moment but she knows that she will be kept safe and loved and comforted when she wants it most.  

I rejoice that I have ensured that Beautiful B knows how much she is loved; that I tell her every day; that although she doesn't know it, I write to her often so that whenever it is my time to leave her and I have no choice; if needed she has reminders that she can read and eventually be comforted from.

Having said all that, at times she can be that normal 18 year old - deciding to go out on the eve of her birthday to ensure that she could start legally drinking alcohol at midnight only to crawl in at 4.30am and be ill for the remainder of her birthday was in hindsight not the best idea she has ever had......

She did love the cake though, and the balloons so the running around i had to do on a Bank Holiday because we had the Queens Jubilee on the same day (how dare she mess with my plans ;-) was more than worth it.

This post was always going to be a little somber - it cannot not be because she is suffering but it is a legacy to Beautiful B's strength, compassion and empathy.  At 18 she has a much older head on her shoulders - how she got that is sad but she will be a force to be reckoned with in the future and she will go a long way with that determination to make a difference to peoples lives no matter how hard it may be for her at times.

Beautiful B: you are and will remain my inspiration.  You are, as everyone tells me, a credit to me and Hubby and your dad.  You are loving and kind and so very protective of those you love.  Your strength of character and determination to help others in and out of your career is a something to behold and I look at you and know that despite how I can sometimes questions the decisions I made in the past, somehow they were right and that I just have to accept that I cannot protect you from all the pain and suffering and believe in how it has and will continue to shape you into the person you have become.   

I started this blog not because I wanted readers from across the country or the world but because I wanted another "something" that you could have to read and take comfort from when it is my time to leave you.  

No-one in my family or friends knows about this blog (well not yet anyway) and most of the time I just dump my thoughts and feelings in it; not for others to like it but for you.  Everything is for you.  I do not want you to suffer the way Hubby still suffers 8 years after losing his father.  I want you to be able to eventually read what I have written and feel that I am still with you and I hope that this blog will do that - that it will make you smile, laugh and yes, sometimes cry but above all else that you can read it and feel me with you, hear me talking to you. If it does that then nothing else matters.

I love you until all the stars fall out of the sky - always have and always will.