Tuesday, 24 May 2011

What's this feeling again?.....oh yes, pressure

You know when you have just had enough, of well.....everything?  yeah, well right now me too.

Why?  Well I could list them but then it would be a pity party and I don't like them.  It's not really what I am about, I like being laid back. Yes I worry, not incessently, but not enough to let it bother me on a normal day.

Yet, lately, that pressure has been mounting both at work and at home and today I blew.  Now folks, it takes a lot, it really really does - some have commented that I am that laid back I am horizontal most of the time and that I ask very little, if nothing, for myself.  I lead what I consider to be a charmed life - I adore my daughter, I adore my hubby, yes we have the normal run of the mill issues but nothing that I consider anything major stress wise to write home about. So I am very very lucky to have what I have and I feel content and loved up 99.99% of the time and very very few folks have that.

Yet, if I actually laid it on the table, some would say, and have in the past that it is a lot, a huge amount and yet I carry on as though nothing is happening.  Now that I will admit.....

I have a habit of compartmentalizing - will worrying about it change anything?  No, well put it in a box and ignore it then.  Will I still be worrying about it in 3 months?  No, well put it in another box and ignore it then.  I am good at that - I learnt to do that around the time that I realised my first ex-husband had to realise for himself that I wasn't taking his daughter away from him (oh at around the same time that the second husband who was very good at mental control told me he didn't love me, but refused to move out and quit his job so I could keep him in a means he was accustomed to) and then again when Beautiful B started to come out of what was, for all of us, a very dark hole about 2 years ago.

Except....every now and again, somethings get too big to stuff in a box and leave to get musty.  Invariably, those things tend to be family related things - you know, those things that affect your most loved and cherished ones! 

Surfice to say, Beautiful B is struggling - we are at the stage where I cannot shield Beautiful B from the hurtful things that her dad struggles with iin his life and it her and it affects her day after day because I have worked hard to ensure she maintains a relationship with her dad.  I can't change his life, his choices for his partners and so I watch my baby get hurt day after day by the person he is currently with and she struggles more and more each day but is unable to detach her feelings about them the way I can (or the way I put it in a box)/

Then Hubby is struggling.  Hubby lost his dad 7 years ago on the 28th of May and he struggles every time this year.  Well okay, he struggles the whole year but more so at this time of year.  He has never grieved for his dad and feels that counsellors or therapy would not help.  To compound that I found out about another issue he has tried to keep from me to protect me and to stop me worrying.  Pity then, that he didn't realise I was already worrying about it because when you are so intune with someone you know when something is wrong even if you don't know what it is.  

.....and so, you ask where has this wonderful communication disappeared to - well, that disappeared under the "we must protect our loved ones at all cost" cloud apparently - which, whilst I understand the need to do that, has driven me insane today. 

Because....truly when you are so in tune with those you love they become like books - books that you can read very easily and books you want to delve into - but they have become books that purposely don't want to be read - you know a bit like accountancy text books written by the unnamed company I cannot mention......

Little do they know (or if they do they really don't get the extent of it), that I worry every day about them and that I bottle that up and that I feel responsible for their happiness and as much as my brain tells me that I cannot help them and make them completely happy and that I am not responsible for the reason they feel as they do...I am a mum and a wife and I do feel responsible....and so today, I am sad, today I am lost and today I feel like the box lids are flapping about in my brain and the tiny aliens are busy trying to stuff the contents back in the box to no avail.

Oh....and the publication of the accounts is full throttle and I have been stressing that much about getting a document ready for the finance director general when I am not wholly comfortable that I know what I am talking about and only when I clicked the send button on that email did the heaviness in my chest subside.....

Is it just me, by the way, that gets that feeling - like your heart suddenly weighs a stone and has doubled in size and is sat pressed right against the back of your rib cage......

Maybe it is a good job I don't get that feeling very often then....

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