So, after feeling unsettled since I finished my exams I have been roaming the house like a mother bear who can't find her cubs whilst being unclear what I am looking for.
In true Ribena fashion, instead of talking it out I mused and mused and then....had the requisite meltdown. Hubby kissed and hugged me better, told me I wasn't being stupid. Then 2 days later.....I had another one.
I kinda figured that when the studying stopped my perfect live would return and I'd be settled and the house would be wonderful and the family would have lots of togetherness walking the dogs, going to the pictures, eating out, visiting friends.......and the list goes on.
Except, that is not what has happened. The family has got used to living separate lives for 4 years while I have buried my head in study books - I live downstairs studying, Beautiful B lives upstairs or most often out with friends as she is growing up far too fast and Hubby lives upstairs loving all things sport on the TV. So although I am no longer studying we all seem to still be living separate lives - World Cup not helping there.
I have continued to run around at the weekend doing the weekly shop, visiting all the family and finding myself on a Sunday night, not only wondering where my weekend went but also thinking we haven't spent time together.
So, I had my meltdown made worse by the fact that I am not one for moaning about being unhappy about my lot in life and for feeling guilty about being selfish. We agreed to change our priorities. Shopping has moved to a week night after work and visiting family has move to week nights. This leaves the weekend to spend together as a family and re-connecting as well as giving time for much needed downtime after my usual mad cleaning sessions at the weekend - hopefully I will feel less like a hamster in a wheel.
Do I feel better? Yes, I got stuff off my chest, I don't feel as nervous and out of sorts. I feel incredibly guilty at the moment though because it is unnatural for me to be selfish and to think of myself over others. I feel like I have let myself down as a mother and 'wife' who should be able to cope with all this and I also realise just how incredibly lucky I am to have a happy and healthy child and a hubby who worships me. At the same time though, I recognise that connecting with the family is the most important thing as well as making sure they come first and are happy. As a unit we can be stronger and happier and can give more than I feel we (okay, I) am doing at the moment.
I worry some of this will be coming from the unknown around the exam that I am 99.99% sure I have failed. As this is a final exam, a failure means a further 6 months study and I am just plain fed up of studying so I can't relax. After previous exams, I literally leave the exam room and don't think about it until the night before the results are posted, this time I can't stop thinking about it.
So, yes, if by some miracle I pass then all this stress I am feeling may be for nothing and my meltdown could have been for nothing. In the meantime, I am thankful that I have an understanding hubby who loves me no matter how crazy I get and an extended family that do not sulk when I change the rules.