Wednesday, 26 May 2010

There Is Just No Need!

God made many wonderful things but I have to say feet are not one of them.  In fact, I have a real foot phobia, so bad that when Beautiful B was younger (with legs long enough for her feet to accidentally touch mine - yes I am short) she was thrown off my knee on more than one occasion.  Now this wasn't deliberate, it's an involuntary reaction - kind of like when the nice doctor smacks your knee with the cute little hammer.  Hubby and Beautiful B realise just how lucky they are to have escaped with nothing worse than bruises in the past.
So, I innocently turned up at work today for my accountancy revision course ready for what was, for me, to be a "what you do not know and now need to panic about" course.  As you can imagine, I was assuming the worst to start with.
It did not get off to a good start.  Pardon me, had I just misheard the lecturer?  Did he just say that the sandals he wore today made a funny noise when he walked across the carpet so he was taking them off?  I had!  Truly I had, I had not imagined or dreamt it, I had indeed woken up this morning, had a rather unhealthy breakfast in the hotel room and proceeded innocently to the course.
To make matters worse, he further explained that the same thing happens when he walks across the carpet at the lecture venue in Birmingham!  I looked around cautiously to see if it was just me wondering why he would think it would be a good idea to wear them elsewhere then? Yep, just me.  Was he hoping that he would be in a squeak free zone today? Evidently.
Now bear in mind that one of the exams is on Strategic Business Management (SBM for short, rather catchy some would say) so I was prepared to be somewhat distracted with musings of whether I had actually previously heard some of the original lecture classes or whether I had inadvertently banished it from my mind immediately after hearing it the first time. Instead I found myself frequently distracted by feet. 
I tried, I truly truly tried not to look at them but my eyes were disobeying me.  What did I subconsciously think was going to happen?  That his feet were going to detach themselves from his body, walk over to me and taunt me?  Irrational.   I cannot even tell you if they were okay as far as feet go because I avoid looking at feet at every opportunity, even my own.  Probably explains why I fall over often.
I thought I was extremely polite by not asking him to put his sandals back on - obviously the good old British reserve that we are known for.  Lets face it, he was wearing sandals - would it have been much better if he had put them on if I had made such an insane request? I'd still have been able to see them.
I had to visit the chiropodist a while ago.  I felt sick for 3 days.  I told myself off all the way there in the car.  Beautiful B asked if I needed someone to hold my hand but I was brave.  Torture - I'd have been happier if you had put me on a medieval rack and stretched my oh so short body for 3 weeks.  The chiropodist was nice, smiled at me when I explained my aversion to all things feet evidently humouring me until I sat with my hands over my eyes and sniffled every now and again to which she responded "Oh, you are really really bad aren't you?"  No, I randomly go to places and explain that I am a bit of a freak.  Needless to say the enforced aversion therapy did not work.
Advertisements are another culprit. You can expect to find bare feet in bed, more than anywhere else but why on the TV? Will showing bare feet endear the public to go out and buy a bed?  I suspect not.  Even the cute little Bichon Frise puppy that jumped on the bed was not enough to make me watch it.  I had to take control of the TV remote from Hubby for the 3 months it could potentially just pop up on the screen unannounced.
Hubby and Beautiful B understand how I feel.  They are afraid of spiders, hubby amazingly so which I find somewhat amusing.  Beautiful B left me a nice note last week, translate to begging note explaining in full (A4 size) her reasons for leaving the HUGE spider from the sink (and how did it get in there anyway mum?) asking me to remove it so she could proceed with washing the dishes - the spider was smaller than a teaspoon and dead. 

House (House MD in the USA) is a wonderful programme, some of the shocking things Hugh Laurie is allowed to say make me giggle.  In England, the show is currently sponsored by a carpet company - tasteful and nice carpets as carpets go but why the marketing department thought they could sell more carpets by having random things "walk" across it is beyond me.  As much as I don't understand it even in my world, a tortoise and potentially a snake can be coped with.  Someone evidently complained because the tarantula that crawled through a shoe is no more - much to the families relief who no longer need me to supervise the opening credits at the beginning of the show and at every ad break. 

I am aware that I am strange. I freely admit it. I tell everyone this when I first meet them - I find it tends to prevent the inevitable look of confusion when I revert to be a bit nutty. In my defence, I am not the only one, Beautiful B is stranger than I, - her feet used to hurt when she saw blood, now they just hurt when she sees spiders - go figure!

So, is there a need? 
Not in my world but then I do not always live in my own little world - I randomly pass from my own to that of others, sometimes more frequently than other times.  People do not, however, pass through to my world - that is reserved especially for me.
Certainly no need in advertisements.  It is summer at the moment, people tend to wear sandals in warmer weather though in my defence the warmer weather was last week - we live in England, there will be no more until the random 1 week of gorgeous weather we get next year. 

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