Yesterday I was tagged in a "article" on facebook titled "Why one wife now chooses to shop alone" - I found it so amusing I promptly sent it to all my friends. Hubby responded to the article adding his own comments (in red) along the way, as follows:
Here's proof of what can happen when a highly excitable woman drags her highly disinterested husband or boyfriend along when shopping. This letter was sent by a British hypermart to a customer in Oxford Blackpool:
Dear Mrs Murray Mr Hubby,
While we thank you for your valued patronage and use of our store loyalty card, the manager of our store is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics paying you for your almost wife's entertainment value. Below is a list of just some of the offences over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. 15 June: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
Granted you haven't done this but you have, on my behalf, removed all Kenco cappuchino boxes off the shelf when half price and when other shoppers look at you strangely start to pet the boxes saying "My precious...."
2. 2 July: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at five-minute intervals
Set ALL musical Christmas/Easter/Halloween teddies off and then danced to whatever song they are singing.
3. 14 Aug: Moved a "Caution - Wet floor" sign to a carpeted area
Required a "Caution - Wet floor" sign and went to find a mop after deciding it was appropriate to accidently knock over a jar of Lime jam off the shelf in order to get to the Lime and Lemon jam (and yes, I now accept that was wholly my fault because I only like the Lime and Lemon jam.....)
4. 4 Oct: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror to pick his nose Blew kisses to the security men and check out staff "because it is Christmas".
5. 3 Dec: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.
No! But you frequently sing the Spiderman song but only parts of it because you cannot remember it all "Spidyman, Spidyman, does whatever a spidyman can, spins a web, dududu, du du dudu du du dudu" Then loudly "LOOK OUT, HERE COMES A SPIDYMAN" before going on with your shopping as though everything is normal.
6. 18 Dec: Hid in a clothing rack and yelled "Pick me, Pick me!"
7. 23 Dec: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, then yelled very loudly: 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
8. Christmas Time: Sang and danced your way round the aisles to the Christmas music and then asked why Beautiful B and I laughing at you, having had no idea that you were doing it in the first place.
9. Provided a customer suggestion that Christmas music be played all year round "because it makes people happier".
10. Being accident prone, on at least 8-10 occassions every shopping trip will randomly let out "MEOW" like a cat at various volumes when you bang the trolley into something, drop something, narrowly miss the other poor folks with your wobbly wheeled trolley or when you see others being accident prone. The more excitable you are, the louder you are.
11. Think nothing of getting far too excitable at the check outs when packing things away "like only you can, because it is a woman thing" when in fact, it's not, its a Ribena thing.
.....but I wouldn't have you any other way sweetheart
In my defence, I may entertain myself regularly and frequently I do not realise I am doing it but surely we can agree that I am not as bad as this poor womans husband......