Monday, 3 October 2011

It always happens to the good ones..

Today Angel is suffering, yesterday Angel was suffering and for 2 years prior to this Angel has suffered.  On Friday that suffering got worse because she found out that the doctors can do no more for her mum but make her comfortable.  Sucks, seriously!  Seriously!  Angel lost her dad to cancer and now she has to lose her mum to it too!  Not only that, on top of that she has her own illness to deal with!

I kind of gave up on God over 6 years ago but if I hadn't I would of now.  If there is one person who does not deserve this much crap in her life it is Angel - she would give her last penny and piece of clothing to anyone that needed it - why does she have to suffer like this?!

I've been there for Angel both through her illness and her mum's and I hope I have been there with a listening ear when she has needed it because I HATE that it is the only thing that I can do - I want to take the pain and suffering away but I can't. 

I cannot begin to imagine what Angel and her mum and her family is going through.  All I know is that I have know Angel's mum since I was 12 and I spent half of my childhood in her house being fed and cared for and loved.  I have been on holidays with her, celebrated Angel's wedding with her, prepared for that wedding with her among so many other things....and it hurts, it feels like someone is sat on my chest and this spontaneous crying is ridiculous.  How Angel is getting through this I have no idea!

I think we all knew, someone cannot deteriorate that much without the cancer spreading, but no matter how much you prepare for it, it is a sucker punch when you find out.  Just thinking about how it must be so much worse for everyone else makes my face hot and my throat close up. 

My mum is Angel's mum's best friend.  Throughout all of this I have been the one to tell my mum what is happening - it is the least I can do to take some of the burden from Angel and her mum.  My mum came back from holiday on Friday to that news - she had to ring my Aunty in Spain and left her crying on the phone at the news.  My mum put a brave face on and I know she will do that until the very last minute and then she will break her heart.  I know it will be one of the few times I see my dad cry, like he did when Angel's dad passed away. 

I hate that I cannot take it away, or the pain away, or some of it away.  I hate that it happens to people that don't deserve it - granted, no-one deserves it but these people, people that I consider my family, are good, beautiful, kind people and yet they have to suffer horribly both before and after and for what???

My glass overflows, it isn't half full or half empty - my life is rich because of those that I love and that love me in my life and I love life.  But the moment it sucks!  and I am angry!  and saddened! and hurt! and grieving....for my loss but I don't even need to analyse the way I am feeling to know that I am feeling what I am because I am grieving Angel's loss and for her families loss, for the pain her mum is suffering and the utter helplessness they are feeling because they can only watch her go through it and help where possible.

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