Born Beautiful

This is one of three posts that I wrote and had problems uploading:

Angel’s mum passed away, it was horrid.  It is still horrid.  The funeral was awful.  

Watching Angel, my sister in every thing but name get up and give such a lovely eulogy was heart breaking.  I said I would drink with her for as long as she needed me to, and I did, until midnight that day.

Angel’s mum lived a full life, she was loved and obviously still is.  She loved Angel’s dad who was also horribly robbed of a wonderful life when Angel was only 21.  She learned to love again and was loved unconditionally back.  She gave up a lovely life abroad to return home when Angel got sick, then she got sick herself. 

What has happened sucks, big time.  On the glass half full side, Angel’s mum moving back to the UK gave opportunity for the family to grow extremely close again and to spend some much needed, and at the time, short time with her.  On the glass half empty side, Angel has lost both parents and feels lost at sea.  She has lived the last 6 months at her mother’s side and finds herself wandering around aimlessly.  I related to that because I did it for 3 days after Angel’s mum died – losing time stood in a shop only to have been in there for over an hour when I got back in the car.

I feel like I am not helping Angel, because I don’t know what to do other than be there and listen.  I watch Angel like a hawk, who is in danger of a relapse while going through such a stressful time but not knowing what I can do to prevent it.  Telling her to slow down is like trying to stop a whirlwind.  I know this is all she needs right now, but it feels like it is not enough.

Life sucks sometimes.  You realise that your parents and loved ones are not indestructible and watching my parents, who were Angel’s mums best friends, fall apart as they waited for the inevitable and then grieved was truly awful. 

I am angry, I was angry in an earlier post and I am still angry.  I don’t like feeling this way.  I don’t know what to do to stop it.  I hate what has happened to Angel, and her family, and my parents, I hate feeling useless and out of control.  I hate feeling like we are all on a hamster wheel and for what at the end of it?

I have decided that we are on that hamster wheel so that we can be loved, we can find someone who will love us unconditionally, for who we are and for what we stand for.  Angel’s mum had that with both husbands and of course her children and grandchildren.  Maybe the heartache is the price we pay for that love.

Rest in peace Angel’s mum.  We will look after each other and Angel will continue to do the good and love the family the way you did.  She is already taking over your role and looking after her sisters as you would and for that I know you are proud.